The one question that changed everything about my marriage
My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we’ve had a really good marriage. We’re best friends. We spend a lot of time together. We work together. We really home school our kids together. We’re very united. In everything we do, we make sure we’re in unity before we move forward. Those things have made for a really good marriage. Our lives our blended in every level and we do everything together. Sometimes it’s easy to lose the romance in the midst of busyness, and sure there are times for a fire in your marriage or whatever.
Recently, we kind of hit a wall. That wall was just, “Wow, this marriage isn’t what I thought it would be after all these years.” It was mostly me. I kind of hit the wall. What really started it was our anniversary was coming up and I’m the one that normally says, “Hey let’s go on a date.” I protect that time. I make sure that we have something scheduled and something booked. So have made it easy on my husband to just be passive in pursuing our relationship. But this day, I just kinda woke up and thought, “You know, he doesn’t really pursue me anymore and I am not okay with that.”
I’m pretty open with my husband. I can tell him what’s bothering me; he tells me what is bothering him. We work it out. We’ve really had a few fights in our marriage. Some are so dumb—over pizza, one is over stamps. One of them because he didn’t follow through with something he gave his word he would do, but he didn’t do it. I was crushed – humiliated really. It just broke my heart. It was personal. To date, this was our biggest fight. He didn’t feel that he was in the wrong therefore, there was no need to apologize. This strife lasted for four days. It stunk. Just because you get along well and you have a good relationship and you don’t have a lot of fights, doesn’t mean that you automatically have a super romantic, in-love, and fun relationship.
Back to our 15th anniversary – We were talking about our marriage. Where does it stand? How are we gonna make it to the next 16 years? How can we make it longer? How can we double the length of our marriage? We just started going through all the time we spent together. Do you consider this a way that we connected? “When we watched this movie together, were we connecting?” “When we went out to eat the other night, was that romantic? Were we connecting?” We just stopped halftime in our marriage and asked these really great questions.
My husband had an ah-ha moment, “Wow, you know I think our marriage might be kind of lame. It’s seemingly in a lame season.” We all have seasons. Bad ones can lead to becoming heartsick, depression, discouragement, or even the end of a relationship. But, when this season crosses our path, we must ask ourselves why are we in it and how do we get out.
My husband began seeking God, “Help me figure out how we can make it the next half of our marriage.”
One week later, That’s when the marriage changer question was born.
My hubs pulled out a new measuring tool – Lame or not lame. Every activity we participated in was suddenly weighed on the scale of lameor not lame.
“Is this lame or not lame?”
You can apply this question to every area. “Tonight, hey, when we watched that movie, was that lame or not lame?” There is no in between. There is no gray area. It’s not like, “Oh it’s okay. It was sort of fun,” or, “It was fun, but it wasn’t great.” So it’s either really great or terrible. Is it not lame or lame? You can apply it to your relationship. “How is our relationship going?” Is it lame or not lame?
That question has cracked us up and caused more laughter and everything.
The first day that he asked that question, I started busting out, “What does that even mean? Lame or not lame?”
He seriously clarified, “How is tonight? Was it lame or not lame? What we did together tonight, do you consider that time with me lame or not lame?”
I thought about what we did— we had talked. I worked on my computer some. We read our Bibles. Watched a few minutes of a movie or something.
After contemplateing, I voted, “Lame.”
He was shocked! What he thought I loved to do, he assumed wrong.
Overall, I rated that as lame because it wasn’t NOT LAME (super fun!). We talked a little bit of work, we did a little bit of work, we did a little bit of personal, and we did a little bit of the word. I think it was just kind of lame, if I had to choose.”
He was like, “Whatever. It’s not going to be lame anymore. We’re changing that.”
So let me set up the scene a little: It’s late at night, I’m ready for bed.
I mean ready – no make up…no bra ready.
He grabbed some beanbags from our kids’ room—they were asleep—and we went out the end of our driveway and watched the clouds, looked at the stars white we relaxed and talked.
You know what, our whole night could have been categorized as lame, but suddenly, with that small change, it was actually fun!
Since this question kind of came up, we’re just laughing more and being radical about making sure that our relationship is not lame. Not a single day. We don’t have enough life left to live to have a lame day in our marriage, relationship or with our kids.
I challenge you to just introduce this question somewhere in your life. Is it lame or not lame?