What will you choose?

Skinny fat girlthat’s my story.
I’m a tiny girl with way too much body fat. The strength that is supposed to be in my body is non-existent. It doesn’t matter what your size is if you can’t sustain the weight.
I’m like, a tiny girl trapped in a fat body. I have wrestled with my weight for years. It has been up and down in a yo-yo since I had kids. I lost all my weight after baby one. I lost all my weight after baby two.  I lost all my weight after baby three until my mom died. Then my weight has been a yo-yo ever since.
When my mom passed away, I had been on Weight Watchers, trying to have some accountability to lose the final part of my weight of my third and final child. It worked fairly well. The thing is, those Weight Watchers doesn’t make you give up the processed foods and the sugary treats that you crave. You just cut them back and have a little bit less.
Actually, over time, as you age and your hormones change, you can’t possibly maintain a healthy weight with junk food. It’s impossible. It’s impossible to maintain a good body working out and not eating well. 80% of your body make up is taken care of by food.
I know how to eat healthy. It’s not for a lack of knowledge. I do eat healthy. I enjoy healthy food. But healthy food takes time and energy. You have to go get fresh and raw food from the store.
Who has time to do that? Being a mother is exhausting. If you do make it to the store to get healthy foods, then you have to clean them and cut them. Where do you store them in and how do they stay fresh? By the time you get around to eating them, they’re already black. It’s so frustrating. I’ve thrown away fresh and raw food more than you can imagine. I’ve thrown away brown bags of fresh and raw food that we just never ate or got spoiled.
I know how to cook raw food. Vegan—100% vegan raw. I’ve taken classes from Chef Mandy in my hometown. I’ve learned how to make raw pizza out of carrot and almond flour. I know how to make a tomato paste that is to die for. I know how to make spaghetti out of zucchini—and I’m not talking about spaghetti squash, no. It’s not cooked. It’s all raw. It’s spiraled zucchini with a splash of marinara and it tastes amazing.
I love healthy food. I love it. But my habits are these: I’m not hungry so I don’t eat but then the minute I get really hungry, I start to get very testy. My blood sugar goes down and as I get hungry,  I get more frustrated and a little bit more on the edge and annoyed. It’s like my flesh literally wants to throw a hissy fit when I start to feel hungry. So I will go to the first available food. And usually that’s not cut vegetables.
If it were in the times in the past when I’ve been in good shape, I would have gone to those vegetables. I used to put them on zip lock bags and carry them in my car. I have the knowledge. I’ve been successful in the past.
There came a point when I was raising my girls, I calculated how many hours per day per week I was spending in the kitchen just meeting all their little snack-y needs. Including thoughts of, “What do they want to eat?” and “We need more snacks,” and, “Mom needs to cut vegetables,” I literally would find myself in the kitchen up to six hours a day. Cleaning and cooking and slaving.
I love healthy foods. But when I found out that I’ve been spending thousands of hours per week in the kitchen, I just eventually quit and gave up and went for what is easy.

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