Some things you don’t know about me

As a little girl, I was hurt deeply.
Trust didn’t come easily.
Awakened daily rejected and hurt,
Fought to forget quickly.
Bitterness, my silent trophy.
Bravely guarding my own heart.
Love, reserved for no one.
Eyes swept rooms for love, yet found it not.
Eyes of gentleness I yearned to find me.
Perfect love had to be.

Silently I searched.
Pain within I held deep like a treasure
No map for man to find.

The eyes of men, searching to find it there.
Friendship, maybe held the key to security.
Surely not, day after day reminded I was alone.
Starved for love
Hungered to be pursued.
Desperately lingering on encouraging words
Just to have it drained as quickly as it came.
High maintenance
I pulled on their tails as I begged
Someone—see me?
See me!!!
Someone love me?
Love me!!!
Please see that I am worth it
Am I worth the pursuit?
Worth the fight
Worth the wait
Worth the trial
Worth the smile

Desperation landed me in the arms of many
They hurt me—
Crushed my weak heart
Tore my hopes and dreams
Never brought to reality
Time and time again.
Abuse—more abuse—words, fists, embarrassment.
Failure after failure
My head, low in shame
Weighing me down
More than I could bear

Take my own life
Do I dare?
I pondered day and night
In my room
Repeating abuse
Same mistake over and over

In the valley, no one could reach me
Because nothing in me could receive
The hand that truly could rescue me

Continuing on
Pain after pain
Still searching for more

Yet deep within lived a line
“There’s more.”
“Search for it and you will find.”

Lovable—I had to be.
I didn’t know why.
Just knew it deep inside.

The final blow … I could take it no more
No more.
And then … I knew
“You are loved much more than this. Your purpose is to know Me—your God. I have been here all along. I love you so. 
Remember I sang it through your Grandma Bonnie since you were a little girl. Everything that’s broken, I can fix.
Just say yes.
Go back.
Allow Me to make things right.
Trust Me.
It won’t be fun, but get ready for a ride.
I will hold you and teach you the ropes.
I am Jesus Christ. I am your resounding hope.”

I replied
Yes! I will. I do. I believe You.
I choose life. This day I will do what You ask me to.
I will follow You. Teach me the way.

It didn’t work out how I thought that it would,
But in the end, God is still good.
He allowed me to walk through the valley
And when I was finally ready, He taught me to fight. Right.
Showed me true love
Didn’t come from man.
Only Him
The One who laid down His life because I am worthy.

His promises are true.
I can count on Him.
His answer is always yes and amen.
He is the way, the truth, and the life I was looking for since I was a little girl.
Desperate to share freedom that I now know
I press on to speak, write, type, hug, and share because
The treasure I have is hope for the day.
In my darkest hour, I know
Love like no other
I am free

My flesh wants to hurt now and then
When rejected, uninvited, or hurt by a friend
Because of that old bitter root that I allowed in
But it’s from the thief that wants to steal my joy
And my faithfulness to my friends

But God
Defender is He
Faithful and loyal to me
Never forsaking
Ever protecting
My pain He now takes quickly
As I lay it on down
Love fills each gap
So there’s no need to run.
In Him I am loyal and loving
Because I am His.

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