Have you ever seen the movie Sybil? She had like 17 personalities. Well, I grew up with 2. I had the outward me and the inward me. I lived behind layers of attitude that protected me from being hurt by others.
The layers smothered me, they smothered my dreams and limited me in every areas of my life… relationally, financially, happily.
I learned at an early age to fight for myself – that if anyone was going to protect and take care of me, it was up to ME.
Today, I am going to through down one layer, unzip my heart and let you into the deepest part of my pain.
When I was 3 years old, my dad left our family to pursue a 22 year life of alcohol and drugs. Although he loved me, this little 3 year old couldn’t understand why her daddy left. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it scarred me with feeling rejected.
I felt rejected, unloved, and especially unwanted. I deeply longed for my daddy. I deeply grieved the loss of this man. Every day.
I actually remember spending days, nights, weeks, and years asking where my dad was. I asked about him until I was about 6 or 7 years old. My mom always told me that he was never coming back, he wasn’t a good dad to have and I was better off.
I appreciate her trying to help me understand, but what my mom didn’t comprehend that I was too young to reason. I had been left – rejected and she had NO understanding of the deep wound that it left.
No one did.
This rejection that started at such a young age impacted me for YEARS.
But, thankfully, I am healed of this because I know how to press in to my True Father. My adopted Daddy – who actually CHOSE me before I was born. I wasn’t an accident. I was planned for and cared for all these years. I know how to press into Him and trust Him with my security.
Even still today, I can feel the fear of rejection creep up in me. When I do, I have to remember that it is buried and it no longer has a hold on me. I have to stand firm and dig my heels into the throat of the accuser until he stops speaking! I have to stand firm, resisting the thoughts, words, and actions that are bullets sent out to hurt me, because my God has delivered me! I am safe when I STAY in Him!
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand]. Psalm 91:1 AMP
You see ALL men are broken. Broken men break their children. These men were broken by their fathers and their fathers, etc.
Some time ago, I found myself planted in a seat at IHOP… no, not pancakes, but International House of Prayer. One of my favorite worship leaders, Misty Edwards, started singing an unfamiliar song. It was about our earthly fathers.
By the middle of it, I was in full tears.
The line that BLEW me over was this: “Your babies will be my babies.”
When I heard Misty sing that line, it was if God spoke it directly to my heart.
“It’s really over Sheri. I got your back. I have you. I have your babies. I care about them – just like I always cared for you. I chose them before they were born. They are mine. You are all safe with me. You can let down your guard now daughter. I am safe. ”
Whatever it was in your past, whoever hurt you, they are just broken men. God’s got you. He’s your Daddy. He’s trustworthy and kind. He wants you to know that if you are holding onto any remnant – lay it down today. He’s trustworthy.
I hope this song ministers to you.