Category: Apologize

5 Keys to Unhealthy Relationships

Sheri YatesLeave a comment
018


Want an unhealthy relationship?

1) Never apologize when you judge them (even in your heart).

2) Criticize everything they do.

3) Talk about them behind their back. This is especially awesome. One negative + another negative = worse!

4) Never ask for forgiveness when you mess up.

5) Ignore the harsh words you spoke and let them fester in their hearts forever.

Maybe you are asking, “Why aren’t these okay? They’ve worked for me in the past.”

Maybe they have worked, but they are friendship, intimacy, and marriage stealers! The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. It’s time to recognize the enemy working through us and say, “Get behind me!”

1) “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7 NKJV). See, you don’t even want to have judgmental thoughts in your heart because they will eventually come out of your mouth or eat you on the inside.

2) Over time, criticizing every single thing someone does will make their ears grow deaf to your voice. They won’t seek you for encouragement because they know the kick in the face will follow. Want intimacy? Try shutting your face and speaking life into someone.

3) If you open your mouth to slander another person and the person jumps in and agrees with you, it only makes it worse. Just don’t. Take your ugly thoughts to God so you don’t site the pot.

4) Always apologize. Make it right. I have a friend who is asking each of her friends, “Do you have any offense or bitterness towards me?” She’s doing everything she can to fight for peace in the relationships that she values.

5) Harsh words cut. They leave wounds and scars, places where bitter infection can breed depression, offense, or even hatred. Don’t pretend you didn’t speak those ugly things. Decide in your heart if you meant them and why. What’s wrong with you that you feel that way? We need to do a heart check. Were you striking out because you were angry? Is it a defense mechanism? Is it how you really feel? Regardless, you need to know the source. You will eat the fruit of your own words. Think about the person you hurt in your emotional outburst and how much you value them. Consider what you are thankful for, and it will give you perspective. Suddenly, you will realize the thing you were actually frustrated about is very small.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words will never hurt me. This isn’t true: “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (Proverbs 18:21 NIV). Even ugly words spoken out of your own mouth will be words that you will eat. You reap what you sow.

Some people never apologize. They ignore or justify their sin—their judging, their critical spirit, their unkind words—sweeping it under the rug and acting like everything’s cool.

Apologizing, reconciling, and working things out, even though it’s harder, in the end actually makes relationships stronger. Sweeping it under the rug and ignoring it will always leave a little infection for a later, much larger blow out.

Ask for forgiveness, and also forgive people when they offend you. If you have trouble forgiving other people, keep in mind how much God has forgiven you:

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
— 1 John 1:9 (NIV)

 

One Tool to Get into Your Child’s Heart

Sheri YatesLeave a comment
Pillow talk.
Did you know that our children’s minds review their day’s events every night? Every night in their beds, they review and contemplate everything that happened that day. Now, you have one of two options as a parent: you can stay up late as your child is processing and talk to him or her, or you can choose a tool called pillow talk.
Pillow talk is a journal passed between the parent and the child. At night, when children are processing the day, they can open up their journals and write down the greatest thing that happened to them, what part of the day was most disappointing, and that sort of thing. Children remember the good, but they also have regrets at the end of the day that they process at night—regrets about poor performance on a test or disappointing behavior or the way they treated someone. They also consider their wounds.
Actually, your children can end up monopolizing your time until the wee hours of the morning if you let them. I have many friends who stay up all night long with their children because that’s when their hearts are most vulnerable and open.
It sounds great in theory, but if you work or homeschool and need to be productive during the day, you cannot function properly without sleep. If you’re married, your husband may want some of your time, too. I believe if you stay up all night, every night, with your kids and make yourself available to them at every beck and call, two things happen: one, you lose intimate time with your spouse; and two, your kids don’t learn to process for themselves and communicate in a healthy way at an appropriate time. Plus, if you’re OCD, you need the time when your children are in bed to reorganize and clean up for your own sanity the next day.
Rest is an important part of healing, but I also don’t want to miss out on my time with my kiddos. I don’t want to miss out on their sweet, vulnerable hearts at the time when they’re processing. So what do you do? Do you clean and sleep or have late-night talks with your kids?
I personally cannot live without sleep. I’m exhausted by the end of the day. I’m ready for everyone to go to bed. I want to be horizontal. I don’t need to close my eyes, but I need to be horizontal. I found a tool that lets me into my children’s hearts and allows me to sleep: pillow talk. It’s a journal for the kids and me, and it’s a fun game.

I write a note to my child. I write what’s on my heart. I may write about something I’m disappointed about or an apology for some way I behaved towards her. I write about my life, being vulnerable and transparent. It may not even have to do with my child. Then I write some questions, such as, “Is there anything that has been bothering you lately? Is there an area in which I can encourage you more or an area where you’re feeling discouraged?” The answers don’t have to be long; they are meant to help us have useful, quality conversations the next day when we’re awake and alert.

I slip this under my child’s pillow for her to read at night. It gives her something productive to think on and helps steer her thoughts. I may even put in a positive message of encouragement, a Bible verse, or a picture. Sometimes I draw pictures. I’m a horrible artist, but I draw pictures for my children’s entertainment. We sneak the journal beneath each other’s pillows and see if we can get in there without getting caught. It’s a lot of fun.

When it’s under my pillow, I read it and am able to see inside my children’s hearts. The next day, I pull them aside and make sure I have some one-on-one time to discuss what I read. It’s an open door to have healthy conversations with them at a time when we’re all rested.

One Tool To Get into Your Child’s Heart

Sheri YatesLeave a comment
Pillow talk.
Did you know that our children’s minds review their day’s events every night? Every night in their bed, they contemplate and review everything that happened that day. Now, you have one of two options as a parent: you can stay up late as the child is processing and talk to them and stay up all night, or you can choose a tool called pillow talk.
Pillow talk is a journal that is passed between the parent and the child. At night, when a child is processing their day, they can open up their journal and write down what was the greatest thing of their day. So pillow talk journal, you may ask questions like, “What is the greatest part of your day? What part of your day was the most disappointing?” etcetera. Children remember the good, but they also have regrets at the end of the day that they process at night—regrets of failing a test or disappointing behavior that they showed or regretting the way they treated someone. They also consider their wounds.
This is actually the time of the night that they can monopolize your time until the wee hours of the morning if you let them. I have many friends that stay up all night long with their child because that’s when their heart is the most vulnerable and open.
It sounds great in theory, but if you work or homeschool or anything else that you need to do to be productive during the day, you cannot healthily live without sleep. And if you’re married, your husband may want some of your time too. I believe that if you stay up all night with you kids every night and available to them every beck and call that two things happen: one, you lose intimate time with your husband or your spouse; and two, your kids don’t learn to process and how to healthily communicate at an appropriate time. If you’re OCD, you need the time that your child is in bed to reorganize and pick up your house and clean it up for your own sanity the next day.
Rest is an important part of healing. But I also don’t wanna miss out on my time with my kiddos. I don’t wanna miss out on their sweet vulnerable hearts in the time that that they’re processing. So what can you do? Sleep, clean or have late night talks with them, help?
I personally cannot live without sleep. I’m exhausted. When it’s time to go to bed, I’m usually ready for everyone to go to bed. I want to be horizontal. I don’t need to close my eyes, but I need to be horizontal.
I found the tool that lets me into my child’s heart and allow me to sleep. Pillow talk. It’s a journal the kids and I used and it’s a fun game.
What we do is I will write a note to my child. I may write a note about my heart or maybe a way that I behave with them that I want to apologize for. I may write something that I’m disappointed in, and just my life, being vulnerable and transparent. It has nothing to do with them, but just something that I’m just being transparent about. And then I would write some questions like, “Is there anything that has been bothering you lately? Is there an area that I can encourage you more in, or an area where you’re feeling discouraged?” And these don’t need to be long answers, but the answers will help me ask and have appropriate conversations the next day when we’re alert and awake.
Then we sneak it into each other’s pillow. So I would sneak this under my child’s pillow and leave it there and when they read it at night. It also helps steer their thoughts at night. So at night it gives them something productive to think on. I may even put in a positive message or encouragement in their pillow talk journal, or put a bible verse, or a picture. Sometimes, I draw pictures. I’m a horrible artist but I draw pictures for their entertainment. So we sneak into each other’s pillows and see if we can get in there without getting caught. And it’s just a lot of fun.
When it’s under my pillow, I get to read it and I get inside to their heart. So I can be intentional about my time during the day to pull them aside and make sure I have some one-on-one time to discuss what I read. It’s an open door to have an healthy conversation with them at a time when we’re all rested and healthy.