Two Ways

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There are two ways we can minister: One is out of compassion in response to someone who’s hurting or something that we see. The second is out of the Spirit’s leading.

All too often, we minister out of compassion and not out of His leading. When the Spirit leads us, we will always see His power flow. 

What I love about the Original Design Youth Group is that they have been ministering out of the Holy Spirit’s leading. The week before they go out to minister, they ask the Lord to whom He wants them to give love. They write down clues and pictures that the Lord gives them. The following week, we worship and then go out to look for the people God described the previous week. 

These young students have learned the power of sitting and listening to the Lord and allowing His Spirit to lead them to minister and bring amazing encouragement, freedom, and healing!

Do you primarily minister out of compassion as a response to people, or are you leading from the Spirit’s prompting?

Temple Fitness

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Don’t be so focused on the physical that your eyes are not on the eternal. There is tremendous worship and spirituality in taking care of your temple because it’s God’s house.
But for so many people, it is all they talk about. 

All they think about is every meal and every detail. They are obsessed and consumed with: “I don’t eat this. I only eat that. I don’t do this. I do that. I flavor with this. I flavor with that.” I can see how people like me can be annoying to the rest of society because we do put a ton of focus on working out and eating a certain way.
We have to keep in mind that we are aliens in this world. This is not our home. We are not of this world. But if we don’t take care of our temple, we won’t be in this world, either. There is a good balance.

We constantly need to remember that it’s not what we put in our mouths that defines us; it is what comes out of our mouths. We need to be careful about how we talk. We need to be careful of our aggressiveness. I am so guilty of this—almost aggressively saying, “My way is the right and only way.” But it’s not loving or kind. If you are having to be aggressive and mean about something, then maybe your opinion is fueled by a lie or some wound or hurt you have been through that has made you mean and aggressive to anything mean or an opposition.
I want us to be eternally minded and make sure our focus is on God. If we eat something not on the plan, or if we have to eat something that isn’t hormone free, or if we need to eat a grain and we are on paleo, or if we have to eat a carb and we’re on a ketogenic diet, then we should recognize it is prayer over our food that cleanses it. It’s not the food itself. You cannot put your hope and faith in your food. It’s only emptiness. It’s going to come up empty every time.
So let us keep our minds on the eternal and not focus too much on the physical, because we are aliens in this world.

Out of the Pit: What to Do When You Are Discouraged

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When I am super discouraged or my hope is deferred, I am cautious of whom I talk to. I don’t want anyone speaking death over me, agreeing with what is going on, or giving me advice that contradicts the truth of the Word of God. Every time, I am very careful of whom I speak to and whom I lock arms with.

Everyone’s steadfastness in the Lord can have highs and lows—with moments of firm commitment and, other times, feelings of weakness. If I focus on my circumstances, I can easily become discouraged. When I focus on the face of Jesus, everything He paid for on the cross, and the truth of God’s Word, my hope can be revived. He has been faithful in the past and will be faithful today. He is faithful today, and He will be faithful tomorrow. My God is good, but sometimes I have to ask myself, “Do I really believe who God says He is? Do I believe it?”

What I do to get myself out of a pit—because I seem to be in one this morning—is start praying. I tell God how I really feel. I don’t hold back. I give Him all my ugly thoughts and all my ugly words. I give Him all my doubt and disappointment. I confess it all.

The next thing I do is start asking Him whom I could talk to, who could encourage me. I don’t need anybody to crawl into a pit with me because then we would both be stuck down low. I need someone who is up high and will encourage me with mercy, love, and truth. I need someone who will say, “That sucks, but God is really the only person or thing we can put our hope in.” I ask the Lord to bring someone to mind, or I simply listen and wait for peace. He will direct my steps if I ask Him. “You do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4:2 NIV). But if you seek Him, you will find Him.

Sometimes I don’t talk to anyone else. I let the Holy Spirit be my comforter. Today what came to mind was that I needed to call into a prayer line with beliefs similar to mine. I know, without a doubt, 100% of the time, they will strongly encourage me. They will agree with me in the truth and renew my hope. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and it is certain. It is absolutely resolved. It is believing for things that aren’t seen; it’s not visible. Man’s eye can’t see, but I am sure it is there.

I am reminded of the testimony of a man named Allen Moore. He had a stroke. He is not supposed to be able to walk or talk. His MRI to this date reveals that the part of his brain related to these abilities does not work. With man’s eye, it appears he should not be talking or walking, yet he does. I have met him personally, and he is walking and talking—living the unseen.

I start reminding myself of all the things God has done for me in my life and my family. I start reminding myself of the miracles and the power of God that have been on display in my life for years. As I do that, it encourages me. I am encouraging and sharpening myself in the Lord and in the truth. It awakens me and gives me hope. It gets rid of doubt. It doesn’t increase my faith, but it begins to smash out any doubt so my hope can be renewed. When my hope is renewed, faith is restored. Faith is present.

I can use my imagination in faith to see a part of my body completely healed and whole again. What would it look like the next time I can see it? I won’t look at it again until I have done this for a while and feel it is time.

When I fall into a pit, I do this to get out of it. How about you?

Being a Woman of God

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I had a God encounter. I spoke with a woman who loves the Lord with all her heart. We shared testimonies while we did some dishes. It was a random meet for only a moment between women a few generations apart.

She had lost her husband of thirty years. I began to weep at the thought of even starting to lose mine. All those little things I am nagging about—like his socks beside the bed and the protein powder he sprinkles but never wipes off the counter—started to grow faint. These are minor issues. They’re immaterial, really. Why does this type of thing bother me? Why does it nag me? Why do I have to open my mouth? Shut up. Shut up. I hear it repeating in my head. I would rather have those socks on the floor, and the protein powder on my counter than not have him there at all. Who cares about the house? It’s about people.

She told me her last words to him were, “Hey, you aren’t supposed to be doing that.” He was on doctor’s orders not to do certain things because his heart was fragile. She said she had to forgive him for doing things outside of what he was supposed to do because that was who he was. He didn’t want to be someone different. He didn’t want to live a different life.

I have been thinking about this nonstop. I thought that if we knew how to war in the name of Jesus Christ, then the dead would be raised up until they had long lives. When we are given a doctor’s report, we don’t have to receive it. We don’t have to receive the doctor’s report. We have to stand up in the name of Jesus Christ and receive the truth for our medicine, not a fact. I thought to myself, “If that happened to me, I would not only have to forgive my husband, but I would also have to forgive myself for not being the warrior that I was supposed to be, for not being someone so firmly established in the truth that facts don’t faze me.”

Truth is my fact. The truth should be my reality above everything else in this world. I do live in this world. I live in a body, but the truth is that I am a spirit. I am a spirit with God living in me. The same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in me. It does no good to have that power inside of me if I can’t use it in this world, if I can’t draw on it to help people. It does no good if I just receive all the dark, sick evil in this world. It does no good whatsoever.

I want to be a woman of God. I want to be a lioness arising, according to Lisa Bevere. I want to be a woman standing at the gate with my sword and refusing to let in any stealing, killing, and destroying. The same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in me, and I have been commissioned and called by God and given authority over darkness in the name of Jesus Christ.

I hope you have a God encounter today and a revelation that changes you forever. Stand up, ladies. Stand up, women of God. Stand firmly in the truth, knowing that this is a spiritual battle. It is not a battle in physical. It is won through the name of Jesus Christ.

Mirages

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Some seasons are just more challenging than others. 

I’ve been in a season where I have been towing a load that feels painful and tough. 

Yet, at every corner, I am lavished with God’s favor. I mean lavished! I can’t be easily offended because good continues to rain down. I can’t feel rejected because God continues to bring new life, encouragement, and support. One leaves. One comes. One says no. Someone says yes! People slam doors, but God opens new ones! 

Desert mirages fool your eyes into thinking there’s water and refreshment amid the drought. 
 
But in God’s world, the desert is a mirage. Even when it feels and appears dry, there’s living water and refreshment all around! 

What season are you in?

Blessed is the one
who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
or sit in the company of mockers,
but whose delight is in the law of the LORD,
and who meditates on his law day and night.
That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
whatever they do prospers.
 
—Psalm 1:1–3 (NIV)

Victim or Victor?

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A victim has the mentality that everything that happens to them is someone else’s fault. They are easily offended and emotional. They generally either cry or react in anger. They feel like the world is stacked against them, no one is for them, and they are all on their own. They look into every situation, searching for the point where they have been attacked, rejected, or left out. Their eyes are always looking at how someone wants to hurt them. They can’t climb their way out of the valley because that’s where they live and stay.

They find their identity as victims. Their identity is caught up in never being wrong but always being wronged. They aren’t leaders. They are not successful. Half of the time, they shoot themselves in the foot. They will never say, “Here is what I did wrong…” But you will always hear them say, “Here is what so-and-so did wrong…” They complain. They are atmosphere-changers. They can take a joyful, loving atmosphere and make it negative. They can turn the tide of momentum into a crash. These people weigh things down because the glass is always half empty. Their eyes can’t see through new perspectives. Thankfulness is not on their lips. Everything they do, someone else is to blame.

How do I know? I used to be a victim.

On the other hand, a victor is someone who has possibly been wronged but has climbed their way out. They have taken their thoughts captive.
“Maybe this isn’t just someone else’s fault. Maybe it was mine. If it was my fault, I can’t change anyone else, but I can change myself. I can change my thoughts; I can change my perspectives. All things are possible. This pit is not where I belong. It is not my calling. It is not my purpose. I belong in a victory position on a mountaintop. I will believe that not everyone is out to get me; instead, people are out to love me and help me.

“I assume the best about people through what they say feels twisted like it’s supposed to be hurtful. I know their hearts. I have seen their fruit. I’ve seen the actions of their love. This one thing is not going to make me change my mind. I believe the best about them. I am not rejected or left out. I am accepted, loved, and safe. If they are angry, maybe I need to reach out to them and try to shepherd their heart back into life, out of an offended or victim mentality, and into victory.”

Victors want other people to be victorious with them. They want to pull people out of the valley and help them see their gifts. They truly put themselves last and others first—or they try. They know the truth. They are bold. When they are emotional, it’s because they see other people who aren’t walking in victory. They know there is a better way, a better side. They are not easily offended. They are loving, kind, and strong. They will probably intimidate you because their confidence is sure and is not in themselves. They have been on the losing end before, and they long to populate the winning side.

Are You in a Battle?

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Are you in a battle for your health, your life, your encouragement, or your positivity today? Don’t sit around and wait until you have no doubts. You have to choose to believe God’s word. It’s a daily choice. You are never going to live this life without any doubts at all until you are in heaven.

We battle. We battle our minds. We battle our flesh. That is why the Lord tells us to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Him. That’s why we are supposed to be a living sacrifice. Sacrifice that is living continually wants to walk, get up, and move up to the altar and take up its own agenda.

We have a battle. There is a raging battle between the flesh and the spirit all the time. To assume you are not going to have any doubts is just deceiving yourself. It’s okay. Just choose to believe God’s word. Put the doubts down. Take the thought captive. Refuse to dwell on them; think about them, but focus more on God’s promises than on your doubts.

You are not being a hypocrite when you choose to believe God’s word when you are in the middle of a struggle. You are actually deciding who you really are. “Am I really this person in the flesh who is in the middle of a battle between my doubts and my faith, or am I who God says I am?” Do you think the real you is your natural mind—your carnal mind? Or do you believe your spirit man is your true self? You must decide who your true self is and begin to live it.

I know the flesh is powerful. It feels like the real you. The doubts are the real you. But the Bible says you become a new creation. You are born again. You’re now a child of God, an alien in this world. You have crossed over out of death and into life. Who is the real you? You have to decide: “This is the real me.”

“The new you on the inside is perfect and has the mind of Christ,” says 1 Corinthians 2:16. Colossians 3:10 says we have been renewed in the knowledge and the image that created us. 1 John 2:1 says we know all things. It’s not talking about what’s in our mind. It’s talking about what’s in your spirit. We are just too carnal. Instead of tapping into God’s power and unlimited knowledge, we believe we are limited by what we know and our knowledge.We limit God’s ability to work in our lives and our ability to agree with Him when we agree with our thoughts, our own understanding.

The new you on the inside is righteous, holy, and pure. If you believe the real you has been truly born again, is a new creation, and you are who God says you are, then you are a hypocrite for agreeing with your fleshly doubts. If you consider being a hypocrite as speaking the word of God and believing you are the righteousness of Christ, then you think the real you is the emotional, physical you and not the spiritual one that has been born again.

It’s time to find out who you are in Christ and change your identity—to have that identity of who you are in Him. Be more true than what you look like, what you feel like, what your emotions say, what has happened to you, and the circumstances around you, so you would truly know who God says you are and agree with that more than anything else. It would be greater and larger than anything that comes against you. You would not be faithless in challenges if you would simply believe God.

Sing Your Way into Truth

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Some people think that because you, as a Christ follower, refuse to live out of your trials or base your identity on your trials, you may not believe you will face trials and suffering—but this is just not true.

It’s simply a different view that, while in the middle of trials and suffering, your mind and heart continue to focus on God. You don’t surrender to the desire to drop your head and pity yourself. Sure, sometimes you feel like it, but you choose to rise above your feelings because you know your God is so worthy of you. You choose to believe His truth more than you believe what your heart feels.

God is unmoved by our circumstances. They are merely shifting winds to Him. He is steady and able in all things, not just some things. He is our Rock, our Provider, our All in all. There is nothing we lack in Him, even when we feel lacking. We lack no good thing in Jesus!

The reason I love “You Satisfy My Soul” by Laura Hackett so much is because of this line:

“Sometimes, you gotta sing your way into the truth!”

Powerful words!

It’s easy to receive and embrace your trials and suffering, but when you really think about it, you are making it about you—you are still glorifying yourself. But when you glorify God, He gets it all. He is magnified. He is the One who is worthy of everything—our attention, our songs, our joy, our everything.

Sometimes—though it’s so, so difficult—we have to choose to sing our way into the truth!

Reach for truth. Make it your mantle. Make your afflictions last on your list of concerns compared to the awesomeness and glory of our God. “Let God be true but every man a liar”—including yourself (Romans 3:4 NKJV).

So sing your way into the truth. Sing it!

Speak to Your Mountains, Don’t Pray about Them

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There’s a song that says, “I will climb this mountain with my arms wide open.” One day we were singing it in the prayer room, and the Lord said, “I never asked anyone to climb a mountain. I asked them to speak to their mountain. I also told them that I would give them a new threshing tool so they could thresh their mountain into chaff. I also told them that mountains of human obstacles would be made into mere molehills.” God never asked us to climb a mountain, yet we are striving to overcome and become overcomers. We think it’s our religious duty and sacrifice to suffer and climb a mountain.

We say, “Oh, we’ll do it with our arms wide open in worship to You, God. As I worship You and give You everything, I will lay down my life in sacrifice and climb this mountain for You because You are worthy.” That is really what the song is saying. The song is really not about God. It’s about them and what they will do for God.

But what did God ask you to do? He asked you to love Him with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength and then love your neighbor as yourself. He never said, “I want you to suffer for Me. “I want you to struggle for Me every day.” No. He sent the Holy Spirit to be our guide and comforter, to help us get out of our comfort zone, and to be our teacher so we can learn all the ways of God. We can learn that through the Holy Spirit and His leading in our lives.

Behold, I will make thee a new sharp threshing instrument having teeth: thou shalt thresh the mountains, and beat them small, and shalt make the hills as chaff.
— Isaiah 41:15 (KJV)

Jesus replied, “Have faith in God [constantly]. I assure you and most solemnly say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be lifted up and thrown into the sea!’ and does not doubt in his heart [in God’s unlimited power], but believes that what he says is going to take place, it will be done for him [in accordance with God’s will]. For this reason I am telling you, whatever things you ask for in prayer [in accordance with God’s will], believe [with confident trust] that you have received them, and they will be given to you. Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him [drop the issue, let it go], so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions and wrongdoings [against Him and others].”
— Mark 11:22–25 (AMP)

Then he said to me, “This [continuous supply of oil] is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel [prince of Judah], saying, ‘Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit [of whom the oil is a symbol],’ says the LORD of hosts. ‘What are you, O great mountain [of obstacles]? Before Zerubbabel [who will rebuild the temple] you will become a plain (insignificant)! And he will bring out the capstone [of the new temple] with loud shouts of “Grace, grace to it!”‘”
— Zechariah 4:6–7 (AMP)

It’s not through our efforts. It’s not by our sheer will. We have the power and are empowered to do anything because of God’s Spirit. It’s from that close, intimate relationship and knowing Him, knowing He has it covered and His promises are true.

The answer to every single one of His promises is yes and amen. It doesn’t matter what you see with your eyes. His answer is still yes and amen. But our understanding can become a roadblock and a stumbling place where we think, “Oh, it hasn’t left yet. This hasn’t been healed yet. The struggle hasn’t left me. Maybe I’m supposed to be sick. Maybe I’m supposed to be poor. Maybe this is the banner I’m supposed to carry. This is a mountain I am supposed to climb, and I will climb it, Lord. With everything in me and every striving humanly possible in my body, I will climb it with my arms wide open and worship You.”

This is a bold statement that I am making to you. I am saying there is a mountain you are climbing and you weren’t designed to climb it. You were designed to thresh it, to speak to it, to command it to leave. God moves mountains. He is a mountain mover.

“I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace. In the world you have tribulation and distress and suffering, but be courageous [be confident, be undaunted, be filled with joy]; I have overcome the world.” [My conquest is accomplished, My victory abiding.]
— John 16:33 (AMP)

We will face trouble, but take heart; the Lord has overcome the world. This doesn’t mean that when you are troubled, you should suffer, struggle, and have pity on yourself. It means that in your trouble, you can look through it almost as if it’s a glass to the other side and see the promises of God. The answer is yes and amen. There is a way out. There is freedom. There is a miracle coming.

Jesus died for you to have life and life abundantly, and only deception can keep you from having that. Our deceived mind, not fully understanding what Jesus Christ has paid for us, can keep us from receiving what Jesus has already provided. What? Yes. It is true. It’s for lack of knowledge and understanding that we perish (see Hosea 4:6). Yet in 2 Peter 1:3, it says we have been given “everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him” (NIV). That knowledge is relational knowledge.

We can be misled by the teaching. We can be taught by believers—people like me or your pastors—who are teaching through their personal filters. Maybe they were hurt. Maybe they were let down. Maybe they didn’t get their miracle. So they teach through that. Sometimes it doesn’t happen. Sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes God’s word doesn’t come to pass. Sometimes God doesn’t do that. Sometimes, God intends to put these things on you.

The truth is that we cannot filter God’s word through our own circumstances. We cannot filter it through what we see, what we know, or our own reasoning. These things cannot be a strainer for the word of God in our lives.

If something does not come to pass, if we don’t see the miracle, if we don’t see God’s hand at work in our lives, we cannot question if the promise is true. It is, regardless of whether we see it or not. It is truth beyond truth. It is unchanging. It is black and white. I will tell you: You can stand on it.

There are times when we don’t see it come to pass, but we cannot change our belief in God’s word when we don’t see the miracle happen. You believe it every time. Every time I pray for someone, I believe that God wants them well. Not every person is healed, but I know it’s a desire of His heart. If I begin to compromise and think, “Well, sometimes He heals, and sometimes He doesn’t. Sometimes He wants people well, and sometimes He doesn’t,” then I become an ineffective vessel of God because I am doubting His word, and that is idolatry. I am putting my own understanding above God’s word, and that is unacceptable.

Have you done that in your life? Have you faced your own reasoning and reasoned God’s word into a package you can swallow, tolerate, or deal with? That is unacceptable. God’s word is true every time. Scripture says that “by His stripes (wounds) we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5 AMP). What does that mean? Jesus, when He died, took stripes on His back. He was marred beyond human likeness, not only for our sins but also for our physical health. That was two thousand years ago. That was all provided for.

Sometimes I don’t see that come to pass, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. It doesn’t mean it’s God’s will for that person to die. It doesn’t. We are in a true spiritual battle with an enemy who wants to steal our lives. He wants to kill us, destroy us, and infect us with his STDs (spiritually transmitted diseases). He wants to twist the truth, suppress the truth, make us doubt the truth, and then sidetrack us from God. He wants to fix our eyes on circumstances and put our understanding on our own analytical reasoning. He wants us to have a filter that processes our understanding of God through what has happened to us. This is the greatest way we can be deceived.

There is no mountain that can stand in the name of Jesus Christ because His name is above every other name. Either it’s above every other name or it’s not. In Mark 11:23, it says we can speak to our mountains and they will be cast into the sea. When you speak to your mountains, do they move or do they stay? Many times you speak to them and they stay. Does that mean God’s word is not true? Absolutely not. It is truth. You can stand on it. You can bank on it. If you speak to your mountain and it doesn’t move, then you need to ask yourself, “Why do I doubt? What is causing doubt?”

Mark 9:29 and Matthew 17:21 both say, “This kind can come out only by prayer and fasting.” I believe, with everything in me, that doubt is eradicated in prayer and fasting. Many people pray and fast to move God, but prayer and fasting move us. It moves our hearts closer to God. It removes doubt because we are focused on the kingdom. Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (KJV).

As you fast and starve your body, your body no longer gets to control you or rule you. Suddenly your body learns, “Hey, I need to listen up. I am being retrained here.” Your flesh is no longer your ruler, and instead, you’re fasting and starving it. You’re saying to it, “Feast on the word of God.” The more you do this, the closer you draw yourself to the Lord and the more doubt is weeded out. Therefore, faith can be effective. Your faith can become effective in two ways: by hearing the word of God and by praying and fasting.

Many times, people think, “I’m going to pray and fast this mountain out of here!” They’re really saying, “I’m going to give my sacrifice to God so He will have pity on me and see my great works, and then He will move.” I can tell you right now, God does not move based on you. He moves based on His will and who He is. He is just that good. His love and His grace are irrational. He is uncontrollably generous. It is the kindest love you will ever know. It is so fruitful and so radically true that you can bank on it every time. He moves because of who He is and His great love for you. He does not move based on your behavior. He moves because that’s who He is.

The name of Jesus has been granted to you, for you to use the authority to speak to your mountain so it can be cast into the sea. If you are not seeing that happen, check out those other verses because God did not call us to climb our mountains with our arms wide open. He called us to speak to our mountains. He called us to tear them down using His name and His authority. It’s His power that is behind it. It’s His life. It’s Jesus’ blood. It’s Him being marred beyond human likeness that gives you great authority to use His name.

God has already done it. He has already provided. But will you reach out and grab it and take possession of it? Will you use it in faith, knowing that God’s promises come to pass because His answer to them is always yes and amen?

Defending Yourself

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Believer, why are you so defensive? When someone points out an error you made, a mistake, a failure, why do you feel the need to argue and defend yourself and explain why you made a mistake and screwed up? Why do you feel the need to throw others under the bus instead of taking responsibility and bearing the burden on your shoulders, whether you did it or not? Are you counting yourself as more valuable than others or vice versa?

Are you so insecure that you need to be right every time? Are you so insecure that you can’t fail because if you mess up and fail, then you are a failure? Do you label yourself? Do you think, “If I just prevent myself from failing, I’m going to be good enough”? Don’t you realize that we all fail and if we are not failing, we are not trying? Are you struggling with your own identity so much that you have to be defensive and in the defensive position every time?

Listen to your words. Check if you are constantly saying:

  • “Well, I didn’t do that.”
  • “That’s not me. That was someone else.”
  • “I didn’t mean to.”
  • “Here’s what I meant by that …”
  • “That’s not really a failure. I didn’t really miss that.”
  • “I didn’t really make that mistake. Here’s what truly happened. Let me make sure you know that it wasn’t my intention.”

Do you hear yourself saying that type of thing every day, day in and day out? Instead of accepting responsibility for what you have done, you defend yourself, trying to redeem your own reputation. You weren’t called to redeem your own reputation. You are called to lay it down and hold up the reputation of Christ. He doesn’t need any defending.

Ask people around you if you are constantly defending yourself or throwing others under the bus to save yourself. I dare you to have the courage to ask that question. Now, asking your spouse is one thing. Your spouse will probably tell you, “No, you’re not,” to try to keep the peace and the unity. Ask some other people—your closest friend, your coworkers, your children.

One time, my kids said, “Hey, mom. We’d like to talk to you. We don’t really want to hear an argument about your perspective. We just want you to hear us.” They wanted to be heard. They didn’t want to hear my perspective on why I chose to do what I did. They wanted me to hear their frustration.

Do you have a reputation of being defensive and not easy to talk to? Maybe you said you were going to do something, but you didn’t keep your word. Instead of admitting you messed up, you try to defend yourself. You tell people why and make excuses, failing to count the cost of how you have lost credibility in the eyes of others.

You may not think this applies to you, but trust me, I am pretty sure it applies to most people. Look at your behavior and stop defending yourself.